SO here’s a thing. Something that nobody ever told me would happen. Something unexpected, and something very disturbing.
I have no coping mechanism.
Not anymore.
I USED to have one. A very, very, good and effective one. One that worked so well, I didn’t even know it was there.
I used to dissociate.
I was a dissociating maniac.
I was so good at it that I could have entire MONTHS where I wouldn’t remember anything. I lost JOBS without knowing remembering why. I even moved out of my HOUSE into a rental and have NO memory of how I got the house to rent. I was just… there. With a new job, new house, new dog, and a bunch of dishes and furniture I had never seen before.
I STILL haven’t figured it all out.
But now, that coping skill has been deactivated to a great extent. I just can’t seem to be able to disconnect like I used to. My brain won’t stop being present.
It SUCKS SO BAD.
Last weekend my wife and I went camping with some of our family. We went to a river, and knew that it would likely be busy.
heh.
The entire population of Missouri were drunk and loud and playing country music and rap music and 80s pop music at the same time, with competing volumes, and they were all TEN FEET FROM OUR CAMPSITE.
Now last summer, your boy Cory would have been able to completely ignore all of that, tend to the fire, cook the meals, wash the dishes, and interacted with his campmates with no problem. He just would have tuned all else out. he would have been IN THE ZONE.
No more.
Instead, he was a quivering, emotional, tempestuous wreck. I could not focus on anything. I could not help but be present for the entire excruciating experience. Every second. For the entire day. The only time that I had any relief was when my wife suggested that I put my earbuds in and play loud music.
my ears are still ringing, by the way.
I was exhausted by the time I finally had to run to the car and drive away. I didn’t have any way to stop my brain. I couldn’t cope. I fled.
I never took into account that unhealthy coping mechanisms, while they might be damaging or limiting or “unhealthy”, WORK. They do their job. They are effective. They protect you. And when you are growing and changing and developing, and you stop using them…
It can be disorienting. It can be frustrating. I can be painful, for yourself and for others around you.
It caused me to run away. It also caused me to feel selfish.
I was so focused on my experience, on controlling my impulses, on trying to find something that would work, that I could not recognize how it was affecting everyone else. I was overstimulated to a degree I have never realized was possible.
Is this what healthy and normal feel like? Cause it sucks.
Can I PLEASE go back to being unhealthy and unhappy?
Corricks's Corner 