Anniversary

(TW: suicide)

One year ago today I set out to kill myself.

Obviously, I failed.

One year ago today, I overdosed on several different medications, wandered into the woods, found a rusty piece of dull metal, and spent hours sawing at my wrist, getting deep enough that the ER doctor expressed confusion as to why I hadn’t cut my artery, because the wound was deeper than the blood vessel sat.

There was no hesitation. There was no half-hearted attempt. I don’t remember everything about that week, but I DO clearly recall the resolve. I meant to die.

Obviously, I failed.

I’m much better today. I’ve had a year of rigorous therapy, consistency in taking my meds, and I set a goal to be perfect at home, work, and play because I had a diagnosis, I had motivation, and I am intelligent enough to think my way into mental health and happiness.

Obviously, I failed.

It’s been a rough year.

It’s also been a wonderful year.

I have so much more clarity about myself, my identity, and my support system than I have ever had. I’m much quicker to say no to things that I fear will overwhelm me. I’m also much quicker to say yes to things that I’m interested in trying.

I still struggle. I struggle with self-doubt, with managing my symptoms, with communicating with others, and with working consistently. I am more distracted, less focused, and more scattered than I ever have been.

Obviously, I still fail.

My go-to coping mechanism has been dissociation. It started when I was very young, and I got so adept at using it that I didn’t even realize that I was still doing it. But I was. I dissociated on a daily basis, sometimes for weeks or even months at a time, and I had alternate identities that would show their heads. There are gaps in my memory even through recent times. Although my brain now knows how dangerous it is for me to dissociate, and how much better life is even if there are still negative occurrences- I still find myself at times totally absorbed in something and unaware of my surroundings for brief periods of time. Nothing at all like before, but I still dissociate at a much lesser extent. I still struggle.

And because dissociation was my only coping mechanism, and because it kept my ADHD symptoms in check, now that my brain is guarding AGAINST dissociation, my ADHD symptoms have exploded. I’m fidgety, I have racing thoughts, I can’t accomplish anything I set out to. It’s like I developed ADHD overnight, and I have no skills to use to deal with these symptoms. I’m learning as I go.

Obviously, I still fail.

I recently had a situation come up that caused me to feel nervous about the future, and was related to my new-found symptoms, and left me wondering if I was really good enough. I started thinking that I wasn’t making as much progress as I had thought. I was feeling self-doubt and inadequacy. And, for the first time in a year, I started having fleeting thoughts about dying.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not dissociated. I’m still doing well, going to therapy (tomorrow, in fact), and taking my meds. My support system is still strong and in place.

And yet, this event sparks the doubt that I will ever be well, cured, or able to live without meds, therapy, or people watching over me.

Obviously, I will still fail.

And that’s… okay. It’s really okay.

You see, Mental illness, in my case, is like unto diabetes, or hypertension, or any number of life- threatening illnesses that people develop. They can’t “happy thought” these conditions away. They can’t “cure” themselves. They have to manage meds, checkups, and they need to be monitored by doctors, and themselves, and to a great extent, others.

There is no cure. There IS no cure. There is NO cure. There is no CURE.

I will die mentally ill. Sooner or later. I will either die BECAUSE of it, or die DESPITE it.

I’m working on the latter.

I’m terrified of the former.

SO, to you who have mental illness, I get it. I get YOU. I am here, I am happy to listen, and I would be honored to be on your team.

SO, to you who don’t have mental illness, I get it. I get THEM. I am here, I am happy to discuss and answer questions, and I would be honored to to be on your team.

Because that’s what life is. Finding your team. Finding you tribe. Reaching out to others.

At least, that’s what I think.

If you are having suicidal thoughts and need to talk with someone, please contact the Missouri Crisis Line at (573)445-5035 or (888)761-4357, Or type HAND to 839-863.

If you are interested in learning more about my story, or about mental illness, or about resources, please reach out to me. You can message me here, or find my Facebook and message me there. Please leave comments and please share if you feel it would be helpful.