Managing Conflict

Conflict is uncomfortable. People tend to want to avoid it at all costs. In their marriages, in society, and in themselves.

But is it inherently a negative thing? Is there any redeeming quality to engaging conflict?

Methinks so.

I believe that conflict is a friction between two opposing forces or beliefs. It can come in countless different forms. It can be on a grand scale, or it can be a minute internal feeling. But each and every conflict in our lives is the opportunity for change and growth. In fact, without the catalyst of change there is never any growth.

Also, growth can be painful beyond belief.

For example, let’s say you are feeling guilty for not donating blood, even though you know that it is an important thing that can help save lives.

You have an opportunity to reexamine your schedule and maybe prioritize service more that you currently are.

Or, suppose you are in disagreement with your wife because she doesn’t like you going to a Masonic meeting that lasts three hours.

Perfect chance to have a discussion about whether she is getting enough time away from the home and kids, and if you can chip in more around the house.

Then again, maybe your child has been the victim of a random drive-by shooting. Or, maybe your infant daughter has died suddenly of SIDS. Or your spouse of two weeks is struck and killed by a drunk driver.

Wow. Painful? Yes, undoubtedly. Devastating? No question.

Opportunity for growth?

Anyone?

Yes. Absolutely.

I know that there is a God. I know that there is an afterlife. I KNOW that there is a purpose for this life, and it isn’t without meaning. I have no doubt that God loves us and that He wants us, ultimately, to be happy.

I hope that I never have to face that kind of pain and sorrow and anger. I pray every day that my wife and children and grand-children are safe and happy and live long after I am dead.

But for now, I approach conflict with a mindset that is open. I enter spaces of tension with a desire to hear, and learn, and grow. I communicate with my wife, when we don’t agree, without a sense of who’s right and who wrong. I try to find solutions without bad feelings, because I value our relationship, and I would so much rather be wrong and happy than right and angry.

The Mighty and the Humble

Pride is one thing that I really, really struggle with.

My wife loves this about me. At least, she says she does.

I struggle with pride, but not in the way you think- I struggle because I understand how damaging pride can be, and am hyper vigilant whenever I feel like I may be feeling pride. Like, we talk about how my lack of pride is really pride, and how if I THINK I am humble, then isn’t that prideful? Where is the line between pride and honesty, and how do I know when I’m crossing that line, and how can I possibly function in this world when I am never sure if I am really being prideful or I am being modest and it soundspridefulandIcan’teven

yeah, I know I have issues. Sorry.

Tessi assures me that she will let me know if she feels like I am being proud in any area of my life. I trust her to do so.

The last thing I told my first ex-wife after the divorce was final was that I was willing to accept fully 50% of the blame for our marriage falling apart. She laughed, and told me that I should be accepting 150%, then hung up the phone. I refuse to do so, and maybe that’s because I’m being prideful. Or maybe that is because it isn’t true. She could be mean and cruel, and was emotionally abusive.

When I told my second ex-wife that she had to choose between me and the “other guy,” and that if she lost me she’d never find anyone as good as I was to her, maybe that was pride. Or, maybe it was the truth, based on how I had already put up with two other affairs that she had had and most guys wouldn’t be willing to work on a marriage after the third. I don’t know.

I DO know that I am painfully aware how much pride damages relationships. I know that pride “goeth before the fall” and leads people into thinking that is contrary to God’s will.

I’m not always sure if the voices I hear are God’s counsel to me, or the voices of my insecurities, or the voices of my mental illness. I AM sure that I always need to stop and check before I listen to their counsel. I DO know that I am so far from perfection that it is laughable to think that I am even able to see Christ’s reflection in myself.

But I do know that I am on the path. I know where the path leads. And I know that I can see Christ in my wife, and in my kids, and in my support system, and in many other people.

Right now, that’s enough.

Turning toward the Other

I’ve been thinking lately about turning to your spouse instead of turning away from your spouse. What I mean by this is when your spouse makes a bid for attention, or affection, or assistance, you return the bid with love and understanding, instead or prioritizing yourself and your interests.

um….

yeah?

I posit that there have to be people that just do not understand why they got married or why they are still wed. Which is totally fine, if you want to be somewhat miserable, or very miserable, or unbelievably miserable.

Like, for example, my parents.

My mom and dad were married for twentysomeodd years. Mom and dad were in love with each other, I have absolutely no doubt. They each thought the other was a great, wonderful person. But they got divorced. Makes no sense, I know.

The reason they got divorced is because they had no communication skills at all. AT ALL. For example, my dad bought a house. My family lived in that house for almost twenty years. My mom hated that house. FOR. TWENTY. YEARS.

She never told him how she felt. He never told her why he bought it. Until after they had been divorced for more than five years.

My mom hated the house because it was too small. She wanted a bigger house, especially after she had another child. There were only two bedrooms for six people. She thought he would recognize her frustration without discussing it with him.

My dad bought her that house- that TOO SMALL house- because it was two doors away from her best friend with whom she had a business making cakes. He thought she would be happy to be so close, but he just assumed she’d recognize the gesture without discussing it with her.

He didn’t like the house either.

sigh.

THIS is the environment I was raised in. That level of miscommunication was the average. NOBODY talked to ANYBODY in that house unless they were upset or angry, and then it was with raised voices. It is no wonder that we have struggled greatly with relationships.

sigh.

With all of that in mind, I’d now like to address the topic of the week, that of turning toward your spouse. This is an area that I struggle with to no extent at all.

What? Not at all? How could that be, with your history, you may ask. Or you may not, which is fine too. I will answer regardless.

When Tessi approaches me with a request, or with a suggestion, or with a question, I try to stop what I am doing, both physically and mentally, and turn toward her- with all possible meanings of the phrase intended. I look at her and listen to her, even if it is a hard conversation. Even if I have other things I want to be doing.

Why do I do this? Why do I prioritize her needs and wishes over my own?

Because I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO MY WIFE. I want that more than I can even tell. I love having someone in my corner who is always there for me. I adore having someone who I can spend time with and can travel with and can love with and can cook with and can do dishes with and and and

It is awesome!

I stumbled across a secret long ago that has shaped the way I interact with my wife. Would you like to hear it? Here goes-

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

What? You- you have heard it before? Really? It’s common knowledge? HMMM…

Then why is the divorce rate so high? Why are people, married or not, miserable?

Here’s how I practice it. Whenever my wife and I are awake and in the same space together, I think- “what do I want right now?” And then I answer myself the same way every time- “I want Tessi to be happy. I want her to be the happiest person on earth right now. I want her to never forget how happy she is in this moment.”

And then I do whatever I think it will take for that to happen.

I don’t always get it right. I am very selfish sometimes. I am cranky even more times. But always, there is in the back of my mind, the thought that I married the most amazing woman who is strong, brave, beautiful, and wise, and despite all that STILL married me.

So turning to my wife in difficult times, or in easy times, or in any times at all, isn’t even a question. It isn’t a challenge, or a hardship, or a burden. I chose this woman and I decided that I wanted to spend every available minute I could with her. I remember that she didn’t have to say yes. She said yes because she thought that being with me forever would be better than being without me.

It isn’t a burden to give her attention. It isn’t an inconvenience to listen to her tell me how difficult work was today. It isn’t a chore to wash dishes with her, or clean the catbox because it’s my turn, or respond with love and patience and understanding when she is upset at something I did wrong, or didn’t do when I said I would, or even when I have to change plans at the last minute.

I love her. I want to be with her. So turning to her is my privilege.

It’s an honor.

Contentment at last

My wife and I are awesome.

No, really. It’s true.

We have spent the last seven years connecting daily, discussing everything from the weather to the  “whether or not.” And it shows. We are the “couple who is always touching” at family get-togethers. We are the couple who can name all their spouse’s favorites. We are the ones who come to events together, and who leave together.

This is not hard for us, and for that I thank God.

Sometimes it requires intentionality. I have to remember to ask her about how her meeting went, or how her sister is doing, especially when I’ve had a hard day. I have to physically put my phone down so I don’t start to tune out when she is telling me about a passage she read in a book. I have to try. And sometimes, that is trying.

But we manage. Because, at the end of the day, I want her to want me. I want her to be deliriously happy with her choice to marry me. I want her to miss me when I leave for work. And, I want her to want these things from me. So when we discuss what our future holds, I simply remember that nothing

NOTHING

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

is as important to me on this earth than making sure that she is happy.

Except, maybe, making sure that God is happy with us both.

Relational communicational

I have been married three times. I have been divorced twice. I would like to think I have learned a few things about communication.

My wife tells me that I have. This makes me happy.

I don’t argue. Like, ever. I hate arguing, because it never seems to go anywhere and it causes all sorts of bad feelings. For me it feels like trying to get a car out of a snowbank by keeping a foot on the pedal. It just spins and spins, never gaining traction.

I’d rather fix a problem than argue about it. But to do that, I need to understand the problem.

So, I listen. I listen to the message. I try not to think, deliberate, or come up with rebuttal during the listening. I just look at the person, and listen so I can understand.

Then I process. I think about what the person has said, and how I feel about or think about what the message was.

Finally, I respond. I calmly, deliberately, carefully, thoughtfully respond.

My wife tells me that it works. I feel heard and understood. She feels supported and loved.

I also have learned not to criticize. She does things her way, in her time, as I do in my own way and time. Her way is not better, and my way is definitely not. I know that she is intelligent, capable, and wise. I know that I… well, I have my own way of doing things. My place is beside her, encouraging and supporting her, and allowing her to grow and bloom. As is her place for me. I have no illusions that she could find fault in me, and so I do my best at finding no fault with her.

We’re pretty awesome, I gotta admit.

Genographic Disillusionment

My family is… odd. Not exactly in a general sense, although there is some truth to that, too. No, my family is different from the other families in my generation.

Let me explain.

My assignment for school this week was to create a genogram, which if you are as uninformed as I was, is essentially a family tree with lots of tragedy thrown in. A depressing, sad, morose family tree.

A genogram is a family tree which traces the relational and physical characteristics of your family. It shows marriages, divorces, abuse, alcoholism, diabetes, mental illness… I could go on, but is there really a need? I imagine you get the idea.

I started with my grandparents. Two on my mother’s side, two on my father’s. Both married exactly once, parted in death. Inspiring, but also common. Then came their children. A grand total of nine children, including two children who only lived a very few hours. So a total of seven adults.

One divorce.

My parents.

Next, and lastly, I needed to look at MY generation. Out of those seven adults were spawned 20 children, myself and 19 others. Of those, three died as children. One I know nothing about, and is now deceased along with their parents. Two have never married. That leaves fourteen.

Out of those fourteen, five individuals have experienced a divorce. Much lower than average. One out of a family of seven, and one out of a family of three. And then my family…

Out of the four of us, one person has not been married.

All three of the rest of us have been divorced. Six times between the three of us.

That’s 100%, folks. 100. percent.

I am not very close to my family, neither my immediate siblings nor my extended family. My father was depressed. My mother was depressed. All of my siblings are depressed. I myself am depressed, anxious, and in a state of constant suicidal idealization. (It’s ok, I’m not going to do it. But it’s absolutely true that I cannot go a week without thinking about it.)

Mental illness is hell.

I know that I cannot blame all of the relational devastation in my family on sin, or addiction, or lack of communication skills. Some of it, yes, but not all.

Mental illness is HELL.

Not everyone who has been divorced is a bad person. Not everyone who cannot keep a job is lazy. Not everyone who is socially awkward is weird.

Mental illness has a horrible, horrible effect on its victims. It is invisible, blurry, enigmatic, but it is real. It is a disease. It has no cure.

You can treat the symptoms, sometimes effectively, sometimes long term, but it. never. goes. away.

I know I am not going to go to hell. I am a good person, I love deeply, and there are some things I can do exceedingly well. I know these things. I know them in my heart.

My head tells me otherwise.

My head tells me that I can’t get it right, that I will never succeed, that my marriage will eventually fail AGAIN, that I will NEVER BE ACCEPTED by God or anyone else. It tells me that if people could hear my thoughts, see the images in my brain, they would be so disgusted that they would never speak to me again.

Depression is, as defined by someone I don’t know but who accurately depicted it, simply this.

Your body fighting like hell to stay alive while your brain is actively engaged in killing you.

But, cheer up. Tomorrow is another day.

On Fighting

Many people react badly to things that they disagree with.

This is not a good thing.

If you see someone indulging in something that you dislike, it’s perfectly acceptable to continue to dislike that thing. It is NOT acceptable to dislike that person simply because of that thing.

I have very strong opinions on marriage and family. I have thought long and hard about these topics, and have formulated my beliefs. I have had those thoughts change over time. I have held fast on those beliefs in the face of anger and frustration. They are my beliefs, and no one else’s.

I’m not going to share those beliefs here and now.

What I AM going to share is my opinion that when we see something that we value and cherish come under fire, we need to remember that the people who are disagreeing with us are still people. Still equal. Still our brothers and sisters.

They are not evil because they think differently from us.

They have opinions, sometimes based on facts and sometimes not, sometimes well-thought out and sometimes not, sometimes opposed to ours and sometimes not. They have every right to hold those beliefs, just as we have to hold ours.

We should not place them in a category. We should not have an “us versus them” attitude. We should not label them.

We should remember that we are, first and foremost, commanded by God to LOVE them. LOVE. THEM.

We don’t have to love what they do, or say, or wear, or think. We should not try to take away their right to do as they wish. We should not try to force them to change.

Nobody ever changed solely because someone who disagreed with them yelled at them, or took away their rights, or tried to tell them how much of a sinner they were.

People change. But I think, people change because someone loves them. Genuinely loves and cares about them, and loves them despite what they do, or think, or say. When people are loved, they feel accepted. They feel safe.  Then, and only then, can they be expected to listen.

Then, and only then, can change happen.

(My) History of Wedlock

The topic of marriage is one that I have thought about for a long, long time. I have been married roughly half of my life. I am on my third marriage, and am finally in a place that I can find real joy. I know how much happiness and contentment a marriage can bring into a person’s life, and I know firsthand how much pain, sorrow, and misery it can also bring.

I always wanted to be married. I knew from Sunday School lessons how important it was to be sealed, and I wanted to get married to a nice Mormon girl who lived the gospel and who shared my values and dreams. I thought that this would bring immeasurable joy to me throughout this life. I could see myself married shortly after my mission, having children, growing old, and living eternally with the same woman.

Heh.

I have learned that marriage is not to be taken lightly. The idea that a “perfect mate” is waiting for you and that your life will be without frustration or difficulty if you marry in the temple is ludicrous. Marriage is hard, dirty, and exhausting. Marriage is sometimes thankless, ofttimes heartbreaking, and sometimes- SOMEtimes- impossible to stay in. Especially when there is abusive behavior. Especially when there is infidelity. And, sometimes, ONLY sometimes, when God and spouse collide.

There is only one guaranteed way to avoid divorce. Don’t get married. If, however, you decide to take the risk, go into it with realistic expectations.

There IS NO knight in shining armor who does everything perfectly.

There IS NO drop-dead lady who will look the same in a decade or two.

There IS NO perfect spouse who will always do the dishes, pick up their dirty socks, and hold your hair when you are sick.

But, there is someone, actually many someones, who will try. Who will be, although not perfect, perfectly acceptable. Who will hold the door open for you MOST of the time. Who will remember to buy you flowers (just because) SOME of the time. Who will leave the seat up less often because they are trying to be respectful.

In short, there is no “perfect” mate.

There are only flawed humans who make mistakes, who mess up, but who are still there after the messy stuff.